And then theres change

What a concept change has been to me lately
and what an illusion it is to others.
Anything can change
but as far as 'anyone' changeing, well im sure we would all like to belive that.
and what's with the domino effect theory
I mean my god! who knew how true and real this effect really could be
because believe me it does exist and isnt nice once so ever
As far as me changeing though, well I can try
but no matter how hard I seem to try, the domino effect seems to kick its self in everytime
but I know there is one thing I can do
and this is one of the biggest things
Fake it to make it.

Memories

I remember warm sticky days by the impure sand and cold cloudy nights by the lure of the city lights. I remember looking into the night sky and thinking how red and stout it was. I remember watching a black&white movie and thinking how cool it must of been back then to to see everything in black&white. Or how I used to just get in the car with my grandmother and just drive for days on end well imagining we where pirates on the run. I remember the day I got  my first kiss, the way my stomach tingled, how my whole body just vibrated, how everything in that moment just seemed to stop. I remember the fold of my mothers hand as she gently rocked me to sleep as a baby. Or how safe I felt whenever my grandmother sang a lullaby to me in the confinements of her lap. I also remember thinking money grew off trees. I remember the sadness I had deep inside of my chest the day my grandmother past away, and how beautiful she looked, so at peace. I remember the look on my mothers face the day I came out the closet. I remember it all and I will continue to remember everything so long as memories continue to be made day by day.

Out the blue

I hate to turn up out the blue uninvited
I just couldn't stay, I couldn't fight it
And id hope if you saw my face
you would be reminded that for me
it isn't over.

-Adele in "Out the blue"

If I could go back I would change everything

I remember your eyes
I remember the way you smiled
The way your dimples curled
The way your hands felt on my skin
The way you made me tingle
I remember your love
I remember your heart
I remember your lies
I remember your bruises
I remember your hurt
and all the things that made me flirt
I remember my time with you
I remember all the cries and lies and heartfelt ties
The I love you's, hugs, kisses, touch, sex, fuck, drugs
Baby if I could go back in time I would change everything
I would take it all back
I would dodge that bullet
I would make sure to sit and cry
I would change everything

Growing is forever

Immaculate, Breathless, Amazing, and Magical.

Those are the words that come to my head when I think of life. Because when I think of life, I think of how mind boggling it is.
Life if you think about it is a very comprehensive thing that would take life times to understand. Because I to me, I really dont think anybody could understand how meaningful and beautiful life really is, and breath taking it is to think about the fact that I had a chance to live life, I had a chance to be in this lifetime, I was able to live on planet earth.

A letter to my self

Dear my self,

Tell your mom you love her, and do not be scared to go on weekend visits with your dad.  Tell your mom not to go out with anyone named Richard. Enjoy every second you have with your grandmother. When you look in the mirror don’t be afraid of what you see. Don’t go into the room with him. Don’t sleep in the same room as your mother or him. Don’t sleep in the room as his son. Don’t play games with his son. Don’t go to his family’s house. Don’t go to any parties at his house, and if you do always cover your eyes and call the police right away. Don’t go under the blanket with the ones playing video games, you will know who I am talking about when time gets there. If you have a choice to stay home or go with your mother somewhere, say you want to stay home. If you have a choice to go with your grandmother or stay at home with your mother, go with your grandmother. Always make sure to keep your room spotless and completely clean. Don’t hide trash in your closet or under your bed, just pick everything up and throw it away – It will help you in the long run-. When you get to the age of thirteen always stay home and go to school. Be a loner don’t make friends. When they ask you to go with them to the back of the apartments say no thanks I think ill just go home now. When you hear the scream, calmly go to the telephone and call 911. Don’t try to push him off of her, just grab a lamp off your dresser and smash it over his head, then grab the phone and call the police. And most important of all, you may think you are of age to do anything you may want, but you are not, you are a boy. A boy in a man’s world and do not try to explore it, just stay seated wherever you may be and stay there for the rest of your life just stay!

Maryjane

What a scent
What a firm smell you have
Mary how I love you so
What a touch
What a mighty mighty burn you have
Jane how I love you too
You where there through long cold winter's
and hot stormy nights
through the tears that fell
and the heartaches that opened
but you will always be my number one girl